navigation's on your left.

layout and photo: ally

it must've been love.
9:51 pm

xoxo

Thursday, December 23

too soon the years fly by. i don't want to let go, not now, not ever. i know i said i'm going to stop walking forward and looking backward.. but.. how can i, when what lies ahead is too frightening to think about? i don't want to spend every breathing moment of my life thinking about the past. about us. the class, how things used to be. walking down the corridors chatting nineteen to the dozen.

i was at hc just now to fill in some forms regarding my ezlink card. some bballers were training there and i could feel their cold stares on my back as i hurried past. i guess people like me don't belong to a specific genre. i'm not sporty. make me walk half a mile and you'll never hear the end of it. i'm not super smart or oozing with intelligence. please, i can't even spell. i'm not the mini-skirt socialising sort. i just don't belong to any particular class of people. i'm me. i might wear a short skirt sometimes but i hate socialising. i might like reading but i also like stoning.

i guess i won't fit in, even in jc. i didn't really fit in here in st marg's but for some reason that didn't bother me after the first few days. i guess it's cos i was blessed enough to stumble unto you guys within the first hour of school. =) you know, i think ours is quite a unique case. and i want history to repeat itself, 3rd jan, for all of us. may we all find wonderfully close friends whom we can rely on, whom we can turn to no matter what, and may we find them fast before we sink and die.

i don't even know why i want to fit in. i'm me, i'm not about to compromise who i am for the sake of some peace. i love music, and words.. put them together and i really love songs. maybe i'm a little blunt and curt, and i when i decide not to care about someone, or don't decide to care for them, i go all out to exist like they don't. but when i do decide to care, i care a lot. maybe i won't show it a lot. i'm not the sort of person who says 'i love you' every day. but i hug my friends a lot. i don't know. i don't want any superficial friendships. if i can't have real, deep, genuine friends in jc.. i won't make do with aquaintances and pretend they're friends. i've still kept friends from primary school. i'll keep those i have now. forever and ever and ever amen. make new friends and keep the old.. one is silver, and the other gold..

it must've been love.
11:31 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, December 22

I was making my list
I was checking it twice
In the middle of this
I got tears in my eyes
For in my foolish heart
There was one simple truth
The only gift I wanted was you

I was trimming the tree
I was stringing the lights
While the radio played "Silent Night"
There were presents to send
Though there were quite a few
The only gift I wanted was you

(Chorus:)
You need to be home with me
Alone with me
Holding me next to the Christmas tree
Kissing under the mistletoe
As candles glow
Please come home soon
It's not the same without you

As the bittersweet night
Had come to an end
I was saying goodbye
To a fam'ly and friends
And they all wished me well
And I knew that I knew
The only gift I wanted was you
And...

(Repeat chorus)

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
The only gift I wanted was you

(Repeat chorus)

I was making my list
I was checking it twice
In the middle of this
I got tears in my eyes
For in my wishful heart
There was one simple truth
The only gift I wanted was you

For in my wishful heart
There was one simple truth
The only gift I wanted was you

it must've been love.
4:17 pm

xoxo

Monday, December 20

good news: i'm not a klutz. bad news: i have been hyperventilating all this while without knowing. yup it causes the arms to go all numb and tingly etc. no biggie. hyperventilating subconsciously. weird. triggered by the pain from fibromyalgia. indirectly causing my clumsiness. whew i'm not a real klutz. but once or twice i've been aware that i'm hyperventilating. oh well.

i refuse to walk forwards looking backwards. from now on my gaze must be fixed firmly on what lies ahead: hc. even though i won't know anyway from our school in arts, even though i don't know what cca i'll join, even though i'm so afraid of embarrassing myself with my chinese.. i have to go through with it, make new friends, learn to love it. arghhhhhh.

it must've been love.
7:42 pm

xoxo

the interview went okay. it's what happened after that that scared me. you know how i've always been clumsy? how i don't have any psychomotor skills, how i knock over and drop things and trip over every thing? i never thought anything was wrong. last night i spilled water all over the table when i toppled the glass over. and a lot of other things. but at lunch just now i broke a glass and cut my left hand. i don't know how it happened. one moment i was lifting it up to drink, and the next moment there was glass and ice and water all over the table and my mother was staring at me in shock. then i saw the blood dripping from my hand and my vein through the layers of skin and muscle. i think i just loosened my grip a little and it slipped out. i can't pick up small things easily either. or basically control my limbs. although i can still play the piano, thank God. if that was taken away from me.. i don't know what i would do. just cry i suppose. and attempt to play it with sticks in my mouth. anyway i have to see the doctor. about the cut and why i can't control my limbs. they feel a bit numb, in the no-feeling kind of way. i know there's something in my hand, but i can't grip it. and if i try to press on to it to keep it from slipping out.. i get a headache from the effort. and my hands tremble. i hate being this way. i think my parents are scared. i'm scared too. just a little. i never realised anything was wrong. but the numb feeling and lack of control has worsened. and the tiredness. i can't get up without feeling all my energy drain away. i hope the doctor doesn't have bad news.. like all my organs are shutting down one by one or smth.. i'm really glad for this password thing. this is something i don't want my enemies to know about. my weakness.

it must've been love.
1:12 pm

xoxo

Sunday, December 19

this is for jan.

i still remember you as a fairly quiet, bookish girl in sec1. you looked so much like huiqing, i was always reminded of her, looking at you. remember our crazy projects and all that bubble-tea drinking? you were the top student of the level for 2 years straight. i used to sit next to you and listen to you rattling off all the facts before a test or exam.. and i did so well then. well, relatively. just by listening to you rattling off like a train without pausing for breath. did it ever occur to you to be a teacher? remember we wanted to join library together, but my mum wouldn't let me.

you gave me that tiny blue teddy for my birthday that year. for christmas i gave you the me-to-you bear keychain.. and in sec2 we sat next to each other in class.. remember we used to put our pencil cases together and join the keychains? remember the kingfisher that was always outside the window? i remember you coming in dripping wet from umbrella service and taking your socks and shoes off to dry.

remember sec3? you sat next to dilly. it was the joke of the year, having the welfare head and discipline head sit by each other and drive themselves and everyone else nuts with their bickering. we went for bioinformatics, remember? remember watching gattaca and falling in love with it? it still takes my breath away. then your sister came to help us with the dna model.. and didn't know how to address my mum.. remember the sec3 dance? that was a lot of makeup.

and this year. for the first time in years, you were around again.. with physics homework all ready to be copied.. =D 4 years down the road and still doing fantastically well, although you stopped reading aloud from the textbooks. i sympathise completely, there really are a lot more words in upper sec. remember when chris ran behind you during pe and suddenly announced that you've got a tight butt? then we told you that in jc you'll find yourself running faster than all the guys and bungs cos they'll all be running behind you to see your butt. =D remember when the four of us finally sat in a row? and all our nonsense during emath lessons.. the happening backrow family gone wild together, all eight of us.

how quickly time does fly. 4 years have come and gone, leaving nothing but memories and photograpsh. we'll both be in hwa chong next year [hopefully].. albeit in different faculties. i hope we'll always be more than hi-bye friends.. i hope when we pass each other in the corridors or maybe meet in the washroom.. there'll be more than superficial conversations. i hope i'll know when you get your first bf before the gossips tell me.. and because i'm always outdated when it comes to gossip, that'll give you enough time to let me know. i hope we'll still be there for each other.. and i hope doing different subjects won't cause a sudden gulf between us. we must all grow up and change.. but i hope we continue growing together.. and adjusting to each other's changes.. and that even time cannot destroy our friendship. are we friends or are we not? you told me once but i forgot. so tell me now and tell me true, so i can say 'i'm here for you'...

it must've been love.
11:04 pm

xoxo

Saturday, December 18

just got back from carolling. i don't know why people think there's something matrix-y about wearing a slightly shiny and long black shirt with matt black pants, a tinsel tie and silver hoop earrings. whatever it is, i don't have to wear that again. i realised the younger people in my church seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. can't stand it, really. ah well none of my business, not like i have to hang around them a lot.

at one of the houses that we sang to.. someone performed a sort of mime to the song 'we are the reason'. i love that song. always have, always will. ever since i heard it many christmases ago. anyway listening to the song.. and with about a roomfull of people singing along with all their hearts.. i was forced to think once again about what christmas and easter really mean. more than santa claus [that smelly fat old man] and the easter bunny [what's with it's grin?]. especially at one part.. when the song went 'a man hung crying in the rain all because of love' and the dancers put their arms out with their heads resting on one arm.. the typical picture of Jesus's suffering. and i thought.. why did he love us so much.. why us. all we do is hurt him. again and again and again. if he gave us everything we wanted, the world would go hay-wire. and there isn't enough space to put it all anyway. but still we question him, and want everything we can't have. this is the kind of gratitude we show a king who allowed himself to be tortured. mocked by his own creations. what kind of puppet master would allow his puppets to demean him so? he isn't a puppet master, unlike what we usually feel. he's God. he's the only one we really need. and yet we go on chasing everything else. everything that will fade away. pining for all the loves that cannot be, yet rejecting the first form of love anyone ever knows. my heart hurts.

As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realised a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

CHORUS:
We are the reason that He gave his life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

CHORUS

As the years went by we learnt about gifts
and giving of ourselves and what that means
on a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
all because of love, all because of love

CHORUS

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do, every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

And ..

CHORUS

He is my reason to live...

it must've been love.
11:50 pm

xoxo

waiting for a transfer to finish. not sure what i'm doing. listening to all these sad songs. watching the moon move across the sky. wondering if what people say about fate is true. wondering why my heart beats when there is nothing to beat for. wishing i could pull myself out of this state. but i've been this way for so long, i'm wallowing in the muddy puddle of self-pity. shake me. slap me. make me climb out. i achieve nothing. don't cry out loud. just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. i've never been good at that. what i feel is right out there for the world to see. i hate that. wish i were someone else. always wishing that. when will i love me for me? you cannot love me for me until i learn to do so. i try. but it's so hard. too hard.

watching me thinking about you.
it's like watching a silent movie on rerun.
i see my lips move, my steps falter,
but i can't hear my own words.
i don't know how to pick myself up,
make the sound come through.
make this come true.
catch me, i'm falling into an endless pit
of self-loathing.

it must've been love.
1:49 am

xoxo

Friday, December 17

just got back.. finally rested my feet. they look terrible after weeks of abuse. bah. went to hc in the morning after getting my posting. saw the vp and must have left a terrible impression. i was practically mute the entire time. well at least that tallies with my results slip, cos there's a remark there that i'm quiet and hardworking. met jean and went shopping. jean, thanks so much for the wallet! i really think it was far too ex.. but thanks. i'll think of you everytime i take it out. =) bought her a blobby cross pendant. got some other stuff. bumped into joan at lido. passed ally her present. wished there were less people in orchard. i can't stand crowds. met her juniors and senior for dinner then wandered about orchard. watched some performances. alison is quite funny somehow. seniors are more or less the same. mine are funny in the same way anyway.

jan and i plan to meet on the first day of school. but. she will have rachel leow and i won't. gah. i'm scared. but i must go through with this. i must.

walking home i happened to glance up as i was crossing the bridge. i've rarely seen the sky so full of stars... they twinkled and winked at me.. and immediately i thought of you, and what you would have said to me at that moment. the crescent moon smiled wistfully, and i wondered why such beauty had to be viewed alone. and somehow i know, even if you were looking up at the same instant and staring in wonder at the same stars in the same night sky... i know... it wouldn't be me you're thinking of. the sky's so vast and far away.. it's unreachable.. and yet when you stretch your hands out to it, it seems so near, as if you could touch it. i could almost see a star or two falling into my open palm.. but when i close my fist... there's nothing. it's a dream, it's a wish, and it's a prayer. i don't want to look up and see stars in the sky. i don't want to think of you. but i always do.

it must've been love.
10:45 pm

xoxo

Thursday, December 16

whew. thanks ally for helping me with the password thing. after that day.. well i don't know who that coward was, but i don't want to risk anyone reading this who shouldn't be. never thought anyone would come here who wasn't given the link by me personally. the pros of being low-profile. and the cons of being both sarcastic and elitist in my misled youth.

actually i was so bummed by yesterday that i went out after work and spent 70plus. bought my sister's christmas presents.. mascara, tea tree oil gift set.. hope she likes it. heh. she's coming home soon. i really miss her. even though i'm going to wear her clothes out tomorrow haha. work was.. okay.. forced myself to wrap at least 3 bags full of books [baa-baa-black-sheep reference unintended] with clear plastic and wrap all the christmas gifts for the office. plus type and paste labels.. and i had the most fun stamping the church office stamp on the new books! exactly what i wanted to do as a kid, watching the librarians in the national libraries. my childhood dream. that's why i went to sec school dreaming of being a librarian. guides never crossed my mind. heh.

tmr's the posting results. i'm not scared. i know what i have to do. wake up at ten, check which sch i'm posted to [probably sa, not that it matters] then dress and go to hc with my mum. show all my results slips and awards and various bits of papers then meet jean in orchard. and pass ally her birthday present. hee. the perfect day eh. i'm trying to think of a good reason why i want to go to hc. a little worried that i'm still the elitist prig i was in the past.. i mean sure hc's got a wonderful rep and all.. and i'm going there to push myself.. sa arts sucks apparently.. but.. when i second guess myself.. i'm afraid i'm doing it for the same reason i did triple. for the glory. ahh well. i can still change to science now. i don't know. i don't want to. arts. i want to do arts. i do. anyway. this song is pretty nice. =D nice title anyway. and lyrics. the music's okay. not as fantastic as others.. but read the lyrics. a title to keep in mind: this is one of those love stories. hahaha. heard it somewhere..

When you're far from me, there's a melody,
That always brings me closer to you.
It's our own symphony, just for you and me,
And I hope they play it real soon.
Everytime I wish that we were dancing slow,
That's when I hear it playing on the radio,
I know...

[chorus]
This is one of those love songs,
That you hear in the middle of the night,
Makes me wanna be with you,
Wherever you are tonight.
And whoever's listening,
Just hold your lovers tight,
'Cause this is one of those love songs,
One of those love songs.

As days turn into years, we've had our share of tears,
But they never seem to last long.
'Cause the sadness disappears
Every time I hear our favorite love song.
Now the candles burn as I lay here in my bed,
As the melody keeps playing over and over in my head.

[Repeat Chorus]

That you never want to end,
And you hope that the DJ plays it again and again and again,
Play it again and again and again.

as you can guess the bit i empathise with and the bit you guys hate the most is the 'play it again and again and again' yes keep groaning =D

don't make decisions with your heart, sweetie.
it's nothing but a water pump drawing blood from your veins
and pouring it back into your arteries.
you're better off using grey matter..
but when i look at you my grey matter goes numb.

it must've been love.
11:23 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, December 15

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about her 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told her

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proudAnd if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

[chris no matter what happens, we still love you. don't let anything bring you down. and don't ever change the way you are.]

it must've been love.
11:51 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, December 14

still a bit stoned from last night. erh i mean this morning. whereby serene and i talked nonstop from the time eunice left to the time we fell asleep. that's about 6 or 7 hours. and we weren't just talking to each other. no we didn't talk to ourselves.. at least i didn't.. but we talked to someone else on our free incoming call phones. hahaha. before my mum caught us and made us sleep. around 4 am. then we whispered and giggled a bit more til about 5 when we fell asleep. gosh. girls really do talk a lot.

i want to thank y'all for yesterday. it was wonderful. *beams* especially since i did not find out any unpleasant things this time. strange to think we're moving on already. maybe moving further apart. ahh well it's bound to happen. our roads merged at one point of time, and now we're moving on, faced with our own crossroads. i'm just really afraid i won't be able to recognise my friends in the future.. if i do, don't be insulted. i've got goldfish memory you know.

time flies when you want it to drag the most. and a rose, by any other name would still smell as sweet. no connection to the above two statements. but when i look at you, i wonder if you ever wore wings, because you lifted me so high i thought i could fly. hey, rhymes! hee. i am an idiot. a sentimental idiot. a romantic, sentimental idiot who should be shot. i don't want the hols to end. my desk has gone back to its pig-sty mess. littered with christmas tags and silver polish cloth. but i've finished polishing all my silver jewelry! =D

i remember a certain promise i made 3 years ago. i promised to finish writing the People of the Planets after o's. hahaha. when you're younger you think everything can be done after o's. it never occurs to you that you only have slightly more than a month to do everything you've wanted to for years. anyway. people of the planets. not done. i'm sorry. but you've forgotten all about it anyway, eh? i lost the original manuscript. anyway it sucked. sometimes i hate my writing. other times i merely detest it. but i remember parts of it.. that involved saturn scuttling about frantically with a slipper on one foot and nothing on the other, trying to avoid being seen by the prince-y fellow courting jupiter. hah! see how things have turned out. can i do it when i retire? =) i'll send it to you then. haha. got to repaint nails. they're a mess after polishing all that silver.

maybe i never meant to say goodbye
maybe i thought i could make this last forever
and maybe i was wrong.

it must've been love.
9:59 pm

xoxo

Saturday, December 11

my parents' bbq just ended. had hell starting the fire. i don't know why.. but it started in the end. i oppose the use of useless firestarters. how about solid fuel? that's something i'm used to! jean kept wanting to pour oil over the charcoal and set everything on fire. hahaha. i know she won't be reading this anytime soon, but thanks jeanie for coming over today and keeping me company! =D i do love you! even though you play with my phone and take crappy pictures! hee. yeah we stood in the pool toilet taking crappy pictures. saved one of them as her caller id picture. church tmr.. sigh. sunday school is so weird without my sister. shall wear her clothes tomorrow again =) might as well.. then going to buy a black formal shirt after that. shall bring the black pants along to see if they match. i think blackblacktinsel for carolling is really cool because it looks like we're singing to demons in hell. i strongly oppose green and red. do i look like a bloody elf to you??

4e6, i miss you!!! i wish i had the security of knowledge that i'll return to school and see all of you.. and it frightens me that i'll be looking at thousands of new faces. it frightens me that we're now past tense. but i'm not going to spend forever walking forwards and looking backwards, back at us. i'm gonna move on, and next year on the fourth of june when we meet again.. i won't cry. because the only thing in life that doesn't change is change itself. can i say this again? i love you.

it must've been love.
10:04 pm

xoxo

Friday, December 10

i thought about this yesterday. well actually while vank and i were talking. about falling in love. the great thing about major exams is that you always get fantastic ideas while trying to study for them.. and after them.. you try to pluck at the threads of your ideas.. and get broken strands. ahh well.

falling in love. here are three stages: falling in love. falling in love. and falling in love. see the difference? first you fall. mostly hard and fast and completely. i suppose it really does feel like you're falling.. i wouldn't know now would i, being sweet sixteen and never-been-kissed-and-proud-of-it? you know people should specify the never-been-kissed bit. have caught air kisses and been kissed on the cheek, but well we're all girls here. back to falling. falling.. uncontrollably, unstoppably and probably way too fast into a seemingly endless chasm. and then. you reach the second stage, where you have fallen in love. you're in it. having fallen so hopelessly into the pit you accidentally stepped into.. you discover.. you could drown. which is a pretty bad idea. third stage. swim. swim. and swim some more. now you've fallen in love you have to work to keep it going. and most people drown. then get sucked under. the stronger ones end up on the road again, all ready to step into the next hole. but sometimes.. you swim.. and it gets easier.. you can breathe normally.. you still have to keep kicking a bit, but it's worth it.. because you're swimming among dolphins with the sapphire sea touching the clear blue sky at the horizon and glassy waves everywhere. honestly, as romantic as it sounds, i am afraid of the ocean.

i know i'm painting this in a really bad light, but i had a hard day at work that i will not talk about, and i just got back from carolling practice. i must never fall. ooh incidentally the song 'truly madly deeply' came to mind. it's beautiful. i do love it.. and.. the trouble with songs is that they tend to make you believe them. that romance exists. that it can be yours. and then the next song is heartbreak lullaby. hee. =) my parents' bbq tmr, my father thinks i'm a firestarter. as in the thing you throw into the pit. i'm the fire starter for the day, meaning i start the fire, i don't get thrown in. sometimes we communicate on different frequencies. but my mother got it. oh well. and i have to be nice to the younger ones. hmmm. *sets herself to 'nice' mode* will do. will obey. will shut up. will smile. will not set any irritating ppl on fire.

it must've been love.
11:36 pm

xoxo

Thursday, December 9

this is in response to ally's entry. trust me, that was one emotive entry. anyway.

hearts don't generate feelings. biologically. scientifically. and yes we all need science to understand certain stuff like why your veins are blue and why your heart pounds when you see your crush walk past [ haemoglobin and adrenaline respectively]. now i respect science a lot. like why people look fat underwater [refraction]. see we all need these words sometimes. and literature with a scientific twist is even more interesting. but there are some things even science cannot explain. feelings. to me, they are as important as knowing the maximum amount of carbon monoxide we can inhale safely.

feelings have always been considered rather human. how often do we accuse someone of being animalistic, unfeeling? but even animals have feelings. have you ever seen a dog cry? it breaks my heart. and oh there's another thing. that expression. heartbreaking. guess what. my heart's still in one piece [i think] but it honestly hurts. physically. whenever i see or hear anything especially beautiful or sad or just plain emotive. it feels like some giant is squeezing it hard in its fist. is that something science can explain? i'm curious to find out. why your heart hurts when it doesn't generate feelings and does nothing but pump. maybe it pumps harder when you're emotionally charged. but it doesn't feel like your heart's racing. just hurting. a lot. anyway back to feelings. i am of opinion that the brain generates them. thoughts and feelings are closely related, to me anyway. first reaction is purely emotion, then a second later the brain as we know it kicks in and all these thoughts come rushing in. but emotion comes first. feelings. i wonder if there is a specific part of our brain that controls our reactions. people tell us to be careful with our hearts. because it's the part that physically hurts when we're umm hurt. i guess. then again i never met anyone whose heart hurt physically too. strange. maybe when we say 'heart'.. we think of our hearts because that's the most important part of the body. technically. the brain's pretty useless when there's no life in it, and the heart is the strong bit of the body that pumps non-stop your entire life, bless the little thing. being brain dead is around the same as being dead altogether to me, but that's just me, no need for a lawsuit. to others.. well where there's life there's hope. therefore the heart is designated the organ to represent the unexplainable? i.e. the root of feelings, the source of love, the breakable strand of humanity.

the brain can be coldly cruel and almost deadly in its persistance.. it can press on, generating thoughts and processess and decisions. but the heart.. there's really no such thing as a black heart is there? organ wise, yup. but figuratively? black black heart. oh cold monster, what art thou? more frightening than a heartless person is one who used to have a heart.. and then chose to ignore it. the worst were sometimes the best. the one who chooses to close his heart off [villains are always he, to me] can always open it again.. to learn best how to hurt someone else. you've got to know where to strike to hit bull's eye. and you only know.. if you've been there. done that. if you're purely evil and heartless with no clue how others work.. chances are you're just going to be as evil as you like and not give a damn. but a person with a hardened heart who consciously goes all out to hurt another.. is dangerous. he understands others. he once had a heart. he can hit bull's eye. easily. and someone's heart, with all it's feelings will shatter. figuratively. literally, nothing happens to your body except maybe your hormones go wild and you either lose weight or gain it. i guess there are physical, bodily signs and symptoms. there definitely are for stress, which is felt. and subjective.

fortunately there is no way of really judging a person's feelings. seeing it in its entirety. there's so much mere words cannot begin to explain. and a picture.. a thousand words don't come close. people can guess, sometimes correctly, most of the time wrongly.. but who's to know.. only you. i'm so glad. telepathy would ruin us all. thoughts are shared. how do you share a feeling? words aren't enough. music crosses the boundaries of words.. but only if you react in exactly the same way to a certain piece. otherwise, it isn't feelings you're sharing, but an appreciation for music. my conclusion: i ramble like a deranged chipmunk when i've been having a constant headache for months and i'm reluctant to go to work in the morning.

it must've been love.
10:41 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, December 8

today must be the epitome of indulgence. at least it would seem that way to my mum. did nothing productive all day but toss out unwanted clothes. that make up half my wardrobe. hah! i only have 3 pairs of jeans and 1 pair of three quarts now, okay? and 3/4 of the skirts are there.. half the shirts. yup. played a lot of piano.. met chris.. and we did our favourite stuff. swim. in ice-cold water that hopefully helped us burn more calories. complain that the sun never comes out when we swim. freeze some more. eat. and eat some more. fall asleep. horrify my mum by falling asleep. i swear, she'll never believe i'm straight now. darn. but it's such a girl thing. nevermind. wake up. spend 15 mins guessing what present i got for her birthday. [starts with a c. comb? nahh. but you need one. next letter's a. ca. ... calendar? finally.] slack around downstairs. i play the piano. she reads bits off a chinese mag to me about won bin, who incidentally is exceedingly attractive. 'nuff said. watch friends. eat dinner. discuss gone with the wind in general and scarlett o'hara in particular over dinner with my mum. watch friends. she goes home, leaving her retainer on my table where it proceeds to collect dust and breed germs until she comes for it tomorrow. such wonderful days we have, eh?

am very poor. am $150 below my bank minimum. sorry if i can't get y'all nice presents this year, but honestly i've never been this broke before. pre-o's pigging really killed my account. when i get my wages.. it might be different. cos right now i pay for everything but water, electricity, lodging.. yup. you should see the picture of chris that appears on my phone when she calls. hah! eating! what else. hehh. i changed my plan too. so i'd prefer if you call instead of msging cos my free msgs go down to 500 from 700 meaning if i exceed to 1000 it'll be double and my head will be on the chopping board.. but free incoming calls all day so yay let's yak. =D missing y'all. don't want to start school with weird classmates and schoolmates and probably a handful of creeps. i'll hate them, they'll hate me, i hate it that i'm already so negative.. the arts people tend to be wilder than science huh. and ooooh i love this song. kiss from a rose. =D i. love. it. i love the music, i love the words, and yes i do love it. why do i love so many songs? i should love only one. but there are so many that i love! not just like. love. i really am extreme. just to let you know, i dislike several songs intensely. i'm not supposed to hate, so.. intensely dislike. i am extreme, and which one of us is god enough to judge another eh? therefore i love it!

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea
You became the light on the dark side of me
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become enlarged and
The light that you shine can be seen

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, The more I get of you stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby

To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become enlarged and
The light that you shine can be seen

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, The more I get of you stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

Bridge:
I've been kissed by a rose on the grey
I've been kissed by a rose (on the grey)
I've been kissed by a rose on the grey
(...And if I should fall along the way)
I've been kissed by a rose
On the grey

There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain

To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become enlarged and the light that you shine can be seen

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, The more I get of you stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

Yes, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, The more I get of you stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

it must've been love.
9:24 pm

xoxo

Sunday, December 5

tired. very tired. actually i've been tired these past few months. i thought that maybe it was because of o's, that it would all go away. but it hasn't. the headaches are worse than ever.. practically the same as peak exam period. but there are no exams now. i can't understand it. as soon as i step out of the house the grinding in my head increases, but i just grit my teeth and get through the day. there's a lot of work to do at the office. the stack is very big. and i have to go to work. just so.. tired. sleep doesn't work. i have all these weird dreams i can't even begin to understand. it just gets worse every day. i'm not even pushing myself that hard.. although i try to make sure i get something done everyday, even if it's just writing on the mugs. why can't there be an instant, perfect cure? maybe some tablet that i could take, and make everything go away. all the aches and pains and fatigue. i don't want to go on holiday. it'll only get worse. i don't want to leave the house. but i have to meet people and go to work. life isn't about the wants. it's about the duties you owe to yourself and other people and God.

my sister's gone. woke up at 6am and had to bathe in icecold water because my parents used up all the hot water. sneezed all day thanks to that. practically like being in camp. *shudders* her parting words to me were 'don't wear the pink skirt!' yes i know.. the only item i can't wear because she hasn't worn it yet. her friends laughed when i asked if i could borrow her clothes and shoes while she's gone. i forgot to ask about her books and cds and jewelry. there's smth about borrowing older sister's clothes. somehow you look better in them than in yours. i don't know why. psychological effect.

ally don't cry anymore.. i'm really sorry that you've got a bad haircut now.. and i won't attempt to cheer you up because i hate bad haircuts too.. i just want you to know that i love you anyway. even if you were bald. if you had cancer and had to shave your head, i'd shave mine too. and knit you a leukemia-patient cap. really. =) don't cry..

it must've been love.
5:43 pm

xoxo

Saturday, December 4

i don't know what's wrong with me. one moment i can't stop laughing and the next i can't force myself to crack a smile. always waiting. waiting should be my middle name. waiting for something to happen that i just know won't. why wait, then? i don't know. maybe because i'm trying to fool myself. there are so many possibilities you know. but if you keep waiting, if you keep the door open.. then no one can say that you slammed the door in the face of opportunities. it's bad enough waiting for things. much less people. what would it take to make you see.. i'm human. i'm real. i breathe, there is blood and water in me. i'm not some pawn in your little game of life. you can't play with people like that.. maybe it was my mistake, appearing too calloused on purpose. maybe i should be more open. i catch myself watching the clock, watching the moon move across the velvet sky. i count time by heartbeats, by the number of times my heart jumps then slows to a crashing halt. i count time by the tears that flow at night. it's always at night. in the day there are a billion and one things to do. at night there's nothing to do after i come home but do up the presents and carve candles. it's at night that the stars come out. it's at night that i let my guard down. and it's only at night that i allow myself to think.. of the past, the present, the future. 'now' is a gift, the present. but it's so hard to capture it, to hold it close and make it last forever. forever's nothing but a trail of nows. i'm trying to live each now to the best of my ability, but it's so hard when i keep turning back. i look back, hoping to catch a glimpse of the past. sometimes i do, and it overwhelms me. other times i turn back, disappointed. what do i want from life? it's so short, it's just a journey to another destiny. why can't i laugh, why must i cry.. i don't want to cry for the past. it's over, it's gone, it's done. give me just one good reason why.. no, i guess you can't. we humans always try to rationalise. but try as i might, i can't give myself a good reason to go through life walking forwards looking backwards. and yet i still do it. i don't know.. what will it take to make myself see.. that really what's happened is for the best. next year's a new year. a different year. away from all my friends. alone. completely. for the first time. i am afraid. i know myself. i am not a strong person. i may fall. but i have to pick myself up.. because you'll just never know what tomorrow holds.. and it's pointless hoping someone else will pick you up.. it's not going to happen. oh feeble mortals. it's raining here in my heart.

it must've been love.
11:08 pm

xoxo

i only say this about once a year.. at christmas.. and since it's the end of our school days together, i'll make this about 10 times as long, for the 10 years we've known each other. i hope you've got something to munch, cos this might take a long time.

jeanstalk.. i remember you as a seven-year-old.. round face, short hair, rather quiet. you came to my p1 birthday party and spent the entire party playing with my toy dishwasher. i was a little jealous cos my mum put water in it for you, something she always refused to do for me. i've still got a picture of that party tucked away somewhere.. we smiled a little at each other in the corridors in the years that followed although we were more of aquaintances than friends. and prom noon.. i didn't know til later when you told me.. how you looked at me on stage and wished that i would smile. but i never smile on stage.

well then we both came to st. marg's. i remember walking through the gate, frightened stiff. the old girls were so confident, so sure of themselves, calling to their friends. i was alone. we shuffled into the parade ground where mrs lee proceeded to lecture us about our lines. i was so relieved to see a familiar face in the line.. you were with jan and gen, and when i joined you we became the foursome that's remained through the years. we didn't really get along at first.. guess we were both too strong in personality. well you're still good at getting things done but i'm more content to be led now. we ate prata a lot before the prata woman changed. running downstairs everyday for recess.. yes, running.. we've lost a lot of sheer energy i notice.. jostling to queue for food.. we've run together for 4 years during napfa. and every year when we reach the end you start to sprint and i scream blue murder. remember when you became a prefect? suddenly there was this empty gap in my life, every morning from 645 to 715. it was horrible. no homework to copy.. no one to talk to.. i had to make new friends. then somewhere around march this year you started coming into class again and it was so weird i couldn't get used to it. well there wasn't much of a difference really since we all slept before school. we used to say we'd never become like that huh when we were in lower sec. we never thought we'd become like our triple science seniors, so exhausted every day that they all slumped on the tables before school. but we did. i guess there are a lot of memories that i can't even write down in words. they're there at the back of my mind, a blur of images and feelings.

remember when we watched the macbeth play with the school? that was the first time we dressed up for a school event. i remember before the play we were planning how to explain my chinese results to my mum. seems to me that we're always doing that huh. trying to explain my chinese results. well at least before she realised that i really am monolingual. remember in lower sec she'd call you to ask whether or not the chinese test was hard? and you would very obligingly convince her that it was extremely difficult indeed. was it because you heard the sobs in my voice when i called? and the only time we ever fought.. it was because of my chinese results.

and this year.. for both prelim and o's practs.. we'd come early.. eat breakfast.. study a little.. while i diffused all over the classroom.. remember getting caught in the rain just before chem pract? we were soaked through and through.. remember how we took off everything we had and wore just jackets to dry our uniforms? remember all the times we ate at prince? remember when i went to work last year? you lent me that nice skirt. remember watching shrek this year? that was funfunfun. thanks for all the memories. you've always been there for me when i've needed you.. even though i do strange things and never stop crapping. you held my hand when we were walking through those corridors of cockroaches.. you didn't let me turn around and run away, the way i've been running away from my fears my whole life. remember 19th nov? you pushed me into the pool. and splashed water all over me. remember the tanning that wasn't really tanning? you pushed me in - again. remember that time we went out after lit? i really need to thank you once again for not stopping me when i suddenly turned and ran away. sometimes i need to do something to understand why i did it. and now i do understand it.. and i thank you for being there, for running with me, for holding my hand when i thought i was going to shatter.

thanks for letting me play with trouser. the love of my life. even though now he's a little older and stinkier and doesn't love me anymore. kiss him for me everyday, all right? thanks for hearing me out these past few months. it must have been horribly annoying for you to have to put up with my crazed ravings. and songs. you really are a tolerant person you know. i know i can never stop talking. and i dramaticise everything that happens. well, thanks. thanks for that horse last year, and for that barbie. i still play with her sometimes.. comb her hair, arrange her clothes, tell her she's beautiful.. yupp.

you know, you can write. i mean, come on, you do score for essays. maybe your style's different from mine, but that doesn't mean i write any better than you. don't put yourself down. you're so great, scoring at everything, why're you so hard on yourself? you're pretty and skinny, why don't you believe us? and i mean hey you got 5 lines for your testimonial okay.. i only got 3. you'll make a wonderful over-achiever..

it's been a rather rock-strewn road thus far huh. animosity from the level every year. a whole lotta rubbish. but you've helped make it easier for me. did you know your number's on speed dial on my phone? that's cos whenever i run into some sort of trouble you're one of the first people i call. thanks for picking up even at strange hours. thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder, thanks for letting me bawl my eyes out and curse everything and everyone. thanks for slapping me back to reality occassionally. and thanks for being you. you're one of the truest, one of the sweetest and one of the best friends i've ever had these 16 years. and i really want to say.. i'm going to miss you.. please go to nj so we can meet for lunch at least once a week. and if you do go to usa after this.. don't forget us. don't forget me. =) you'll always be more than just a face in my yearbook, more than a name on my contact list. you've left footprints on my heart. =) i love you!!

your song: wish, by sens. your wedding song, my funeral song.

it must've been love.
9:55 pm

xoxo

Friday, December 3

just remembered i promised to do this some time ago. now i'm doing chris first because she's leaving first. and i don't want her to forget me. chris i swear, if you dare to forget me, if you don't invite me to your wedding or anything important like that, i am going to stand over your grave and sing all the songs that i love and you hate. i swear..

anyway. christine, the original class bimbo, from whom i inherited my occassional flights of bimbo-ness. i've got to say something. thanks. for everything. for being there for me no matter what, for teaching me to eat ruffles with mayonaise and hash browns with pepper. for teaching me to accept myself. you taught, and i'm trying to learn. but thanks anyway. thanks for shopping with me even when it makes you tired to think. thanks for buying that purple denim skirt when i asked you to go along for the interview we never had. thanks for bursting into my life, thanks for invading my house, thanks for taking over my kitchen.

i don't know how i'm going to get on without you next year. different continents, different time zones, different worlds. i won't have to fight for my own food anymore. i won't have to share my bed and blanket and pillows and bolsters and stuffed toys. i won't have to put up with my wrist rest being squished within every inch of its being. you call it moo-moo. but sweetie, i named it pooky. i'm going to miss you. i'll miss someone being concerned when my migraines get out of control and i can't sleep or do anything. i'll miss someone actually thinking that i can play the piano. =) you know, you're the one person in the world besides my family who's heard me playing during my piano lessons. and you still think i can play! i am amazed. thanks for the les miserables book. i just played it. and i'll always think of you whenever i use it. i'll miss hearing about your 'abs to fats' campaign.. whoops i mean 'fats to abs'.. yeah we all know which way it goes when we pig out together. i'll miss suanning you. it's less fun without your insulted expression. when we're grown up and earning our own money, and you come back to visit, let's go for another manicure together.. and this time throw in a pedicure okay? and this time i won't let you smudge your nails. let's watch disney movies again, so i can tell you one more time exactly how stunningly handsome prince philip is. maybe by then i'll have mastered romance d'armour. and i can sit on your sofa in my swimsuit again playing it and eating pizza. only this time let's cut out the corridors full of cockroaches okay? they still give me nightmares. maybe by then you'll have found your soulmate. i hope you have. remember when we were young and naive and neither of us knew what a soulmate was? we thought it meant what it sounds like - friend of your heart. remember you happily told me in sec1 that we were soulmates? i didn't understand, so i didn't disagree. we were so similar. then. it seemed like we knew each other from a previous lifetime, but that wouldn't have been possible. well. then we found out what it meant. and now we say eeech. hahaha. but you are the friend of my heart. i have to thank you for lit once again. i don't think i would have had the guts to go for it without you by my side. and if i hadn't.. i'd probably be pursuing a science course right now, and feeling that something's not quite right. thanks for believing in me. thanks for putting up with the songs i love. be careful with yourself over there in perth.. the world's so big and nasty, and you've always loved that hint of danger. don't let anyone break your heart, or i'll go over there personally and dig his liver out with a butter knife and serve it to him fried with oyster sauce for dinner. and most of all.. don't forget these four years. it's been the best four years of my life. honestly. if i can have another four years like these again, if i can ever find friends such as those i've had, if i can just feel as loved all over again.. life's cup would overflow. i'm pretty sure you love us too. =) or am i pushing my luck? well it doesn't matter, we all love you anyway. even though you make such a big issue of being flat. you've got nice legs! flaunt them. safely though. and your charisma will get you anywhere. i love you. *huggies one more time*

your song: who do you love, moffats.

it must've been love.
9:13 pm

xoxo

woke up at 11plus today. =D i love it. my life's pretty boring these days. did the happening backrow mugs.. got glitter everywhere, including my lunch. done about half. people, please appreciate my efforts. i do not enjoy eating drinking breathing glitter. as for the little tealight holders i'm making for the PlC 03/04.. almost done already. =D christmas tags.. done. even done some extra, in case i forget some people. so i'm down to writing on the silver baubles. and the containers. and writing christmas cards. collected photos today. i'm really getting tired of my mother accusing me of being les. like, really, enoughhhh. she saw the picture of chris and me hugging. i suppose she thinks she's being funny. i don't. about three times a day is a lot of times to be accused of being crooked. and it's such a joke because i am very obviously straight. at least she didn't witness what happened that night. puwahhah. i swear, neither of us meant it to turn out like that, but i was standing around in the ballroom with i caught sight of a girl with very very long hair. and i looked at her. and she looked at me. then i cried, 'dilly!' as she cried 'mel!' and we ran [literally] into each others' arms. whereupon everyone laughed and cheered. i'm sorry it always looks like i'm greeting my soulmate or smth. but i really was so pleased to see her, i didn't think about how it would look. ahh well. i. am. straight. thanks.

realised i can't do a lot of things in jc. the list as of now, as recited by my mum: no sitting at the back in class. no wearing of skirt on hips. no shortening skirt. no tucking out of shirt. no funny hair. no skipping class. no skipping cca. no being rude. no looking at people in a rude and angry way when being scolded. what a list. and she's not even done yet. she adds a little bit more everyday. now i see why my sister chose rj over hc. hey, note that she didn't say i couldn't be les. so if i'm really really bored and feeling restrained by the different rules.. well she didn't tell me not to. maybe i should just go to sa. i am basically a good girl. but i need to breathe too. my mum thinks i've got a perverse personality cos i said i didn't bother looking for teachers at prom. and when she said that's not nice, i said i don't usually bother being nice. and she was horrified. and i'm a really terrible person cos i love horrifying people by acting callous. anyway i said i didn't want to be too nice cos that's too common. i think she wants to send me to a nunnery now. hip hip hooray. and can i be really really thickskinned? poverty breeds thick skins. anyway. thanks jean for volunteering to get me a wallet. i'm okay with brandless ones. just smth similar to the one i have now that's falling apart, i got it for $10, not bad eh. and i've got about 300 photos sitting around, with no album to put them in and no money for an album. there was a nice happy house one that siti and i saw yesterday.. $4.90. but if i buy it my mum will kill me. i am bad at hinting. i don't need anything else, merry christmas everyone.

i love ally! she sent me two nice songs.. =D thanks ally baby! heartbreak lullaby by a*teens.. and it's gonna be love by mandy moore. i love them both. but right now i'm playing heartbreak lullaby. and yes it's on repeat, do you have a problem? =D and no i don't think i'll be done with it by wed when chris comes over. i love the song, you know. songs are so easy to love. it's so easy to hide behind songs. i can moon over the lyrics of a song, lead people to the truth, then turn around and whack them in the face by telling them it's just a song. i am really a terrible person. maybe it's because it hurts showing the world you care. maybe it's because at least this way if there's gonna be any hurting, it won't be me, not in the eyes of the world anyway.

heartbreak lullaby:

In the still of the night,
I can almost feel you lying next to me,
Like it used to be.
And its hard to let go,
When there's always something there reminding me,
How things could be.
I've tried to get you off my mind,
I've tried to play my part,
But everytime I close my eyes,
You're still inside my heart.
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye.
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart.
Why can't it be
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see...
These are the words
To my heartbreak lullaby.
Like the stars in the sky,
You still keep on shining down your light on me,
But out of reach.
And I know that in time
You will come back to your senses,
See the signs
And change your mind.
I try to look the other way
And keep my heart on hold,
But everytime I'm close to you,
I lose my self-control.
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye.
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart?
Why can't it be
Just you and me.
What will it take to make you see?
These are the words
To my heartbreak lullaby.
Why can't I laugh?
Why must i cry?
Give me just one good reason why..
Why does it rain
Here in my heart
Everyday that we're apart?
Why can't it be
Just you and me...
What will it take to make you see...
These are the words
To my heartbreak lullaby.
[CHORUS x2]

it must've been love.
8:19 pm

xoxo

Thursday, December 2

http://stmargsprom04.mypicgallery.com/mpg/Route.asp

for the blurpoks whom i forgot to tell. and i'm darned tired. did a present. took me the whole night! cos i decided to do one part with glue and glitter. so i took forever squeezing out the letters one by one from an uhu tube.. sprinkling glitter on letter by letter.. arghhh. and i have 6 more to go! 6 more nights! plus others! i kinda love it. can let my mind wander. it's like playing the piano. you're doing smth but your mind is somewhere else.. part of your mind is concentrating hard on making smth beautiful come out.. but another part of your mind is thinking about other things.. hee.. i'm tired.

this is one line you'll miss: guess what song's ringing in my head now??
btw, the answer is 'when i dream at night'

it must've been love.
11:54 pm

xoxo



sneezing like crazy from the dust in my room. anyway i've cleared everything up, there's almost no hint that i even took the o' levels. and i can even see my table top! but now it's cluttered a bit with the christmas gift tags i'm making.. i'm not doing proper cards this year for everyone if you don't mind.. i know you people always make fun of my lengthy and crappy christmas cards so i'll only send them to people to whom i really have a lot of crap to say. wahaha. no anthrax, i promise. going out today to get the fabric paints and glitter and all that. mine are quite dried. i'm lazy to dress.. why don't i have more jeans.. i don't want to wear heels.. my legs are tired.. i want to wear flats.. but you can't wear some jeans with flats.. gah i might end up wearing a skirt. oh no. poor siti. think she'll flop over and die. cos i always sit down at spotlight to decide what to buy. ahh well.

my eyes are all puffy from last night. i wish i were a stronger person, i wish i didn't break down quite so often, i wish.. that i were anyone but me. someone better. someone stronger. someone righter. someone braver. so many things i have to say, but i can't bring myself to. sometimes i know what i want to say, word for word, but i just can't speak them. other times i feel things in endless waves of emotions, and i don't know how to express myself simply to other people. i don't like it when people stare at me blankly and go 'huh'. it makes me feel stupid. and misunderstood. so i'll say something totally different, i'll say something that makes it sound like i don't care about anything or anyone.. and then people think that's the person i am, that i don't care for anyone else. but it's not that i don't. i do, it's just that sometimes i'm scared to show i care, so i act like i don't. i don't even make sense. i'm not walking away because i'm strong enough to stay, but because i have nowhere to go. i wish i could say what i really want to.. instead of going around and around and being afraid of regretting.. i've regretted enough. sometimes you regret saying something.. and other times you regret not saying it. i don't know which is worse, but it seems to me that i'll always regret.. and think about the might-have-beens.. and feel like such a fool.. am i a greater fool for not knowing when i've been had, or for not stopping something that i should? well i've committed both crimes. i must be the greatest fool of all. dare i say it? not now. maybe not ever. maybe i'll wait til you're gone, then i'll kneel down at your grave and whisper the words i don't dare say now. maybe i'll feel a greater fool then, talking to someone who's not there. but oh i don't know. i hope no one even knows what i'm talking about. i was staring at the sky last night. i'm always staring at the sky for no good reason apparently. well. there is a reason. when i look into the sky i think of you. the vast darkness.. the occasional star.. the cold and brooding moon.. i'm reminded of you. when people point out shooting stars to me, i wonder if somewhere out there someone is watching it fall across the sky too. i know i'm mad. i really am. damnit if i could erase my memory i would. memories are beautiful. but they are only memories. that was then, this is now. i've got to live for now. but i'm always walking forwards looking backwards, thinking of you. maybe someday i'll look back at this and laugh, i'll look at the sky and see nothing but what should be seen. i won't see my freedom written in the formation of the clouds. i won't see what cannot be.

let's pretend that i've moved on, and i'll tell myself that life goes on without you.. -- i run away --

it must've been love.
11:19 am

xoxo

Wednesday, December 1

sweeties, i'm broke. very very broke. even with the 75 bucks my mum owes me. and the wages i haven't received. i don't have enough for everyone's christmas and birthday presents. much less going for movies. much less shopping. and much eating. so tadahh i can go out, but i can't watch a movie unless someone treats me, i can't buy anything, and i can't eat. most awfully sorry. but i'm not working this week therefore i can't afford to do anything. hope my parents take pity on me before i starve.

anyway i've decided to make everyone's christmas presents! because i'm free. sort of. minus work minus going out minus reading minus sleeping i'm free. and it's more personal, don't you agree? those of you who haven't written your contacts on those little cards for me, let me know and i'll pass them to you, or you won't be getting christmas cards for the next few decades or so. i mean it.. and oh since christmas cards cost money too, i'm making them! wahaha. i promise, no anthrax included. whee. dunno if i'm going out today. waiting for jean's reply. even if we do, we're both broke, so i don't know what we'll do. sometimes people need bfs to pay for stuff. right now i think we could both use one. each i mean. wahaha. she's gonna kill me. i don't make sense. all my o'level stuff are still lying around. i need a new file for next year. then i can start writing all my favourite poems on it again!

i'm thinking of you, and wondering if you ever think of me. the sky's awfully blue today.. we're both somewhere beneath the clear blue sky.. bet you never imagined.. that one day you'd look around you and i just wouldn't be there. i want to make it right, but tomorrow's just not promised.. you never know what tomorrow holds.. you'll just never know.. don't put it off til tomorrow.. and i think i'm falling off my chair i need to clear this mess.

my mum thinks one of us is les. cos we took that video.. actually vank did.. with a lot of kissing.. there's bev kissing her kids goodnight.. vank saying she wants to kiss suhaila with all the proper noises included but the camera kissing the cupboard.. vank kissing sheeni.. ahh you get the picture. and vank calling my ass big. yupp. i decided not to kill my mum by telling her that actually i'm crooked. wahhaha. shall i put the video up? it's a bit incriminating cos joan's bball shirt says it all. hahaha. i'm nuts. i know what to do for christmas already! whee! mummy i'm broke..

it must've been love.
10:16 am

xoxo

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